Sherlock's Journal
by Hobbit4Lyfe
Summary: After the Fall, Sherlock knew he couldn't update his blog, so he took up a journal. This idea was based on an iPod Shuffle story idea. Please review.
1. Introduction

_Day One_

I know I've never been that great at expressing my feelings out loud, except for, as people say, being an unfeeling know-it-all, and whatever that entails to them.

I've been told caring is not an option.

Mycroft was wrong. I do care… Too much.

I need to get it all out, all of this… whatever, since I "died." I want to continue my blog, but add a new section similar to John's blog.

But I can't, for two reasons: First off, I'm supposed to be dead. Second off, that would be "out of character," that new section.

And that's why I have this notebook…


	2. Hotel Room from the Psycho score

I can't tell anyone where I am. It's for my own safety, it's for Molly Hooper's safety, it's for Lestrade's safety, it's for Mycroft's safety, it's for Mrs. Hudson's safety…

(Forget about Sally Donovan and Anderson.)

But mostly, I'm hiding out while hunting Moriarty's web is for John Hamish Watson.


	3. Been Too Long by Emmy Rossum

_Day Two_

The summer after I turned eleven, my mother took me to America. Well, she sent me there for a summer to stay with the woman who'd taught me to play violin, and her husband.

It turns out their grandchildren were staying with them there in Philadelphia that summer, as well.

The middle boy of the three, he was the first person to consider himself a friend of mine.

It made me happy to hear that, that one night.

We'd kept in touch through the end of our schooling, as teenagers, because the boys' grandmother, it turns out, taught at the boarding school I'd gone to starting the fall after we met. The boys came to the school a few years later.

After they left the school, I lost touch with them for about 15 years, until today.

In that time, I never had the nerve to tell the middle boy…

I could never tell him I'd fallen in love with him at first sight, about 25 years ago.

And I've never told John, either.


	4. Never Seen Blue by Hayley Westenra

I managed to track him down today, the boy I once loved. He's in America. He lives in Virginia now. I saw him.

It's been almost 15 years since I've seen him last. I can't explain it, but he doesn't look a day over 20. He's just turned 33.

I talked to him. He doesn't remember me as the boy he'd known all those years ago… He just knows me as the detective.

Apparently John'd also known him. They met a couple years ago… Or, now I think about it, they met eight years ago. It didn't seem that long ago to him, apparently.

When John would talk about knowing that boy, he'd never mentioned that the boy ever remembered me.

I should've expected as much, now that Godric's apparently married with children.


	5. All Eyes on You by St Lucia

God, now that I've started thinking of him, I can't stop.

That night Godric had said he was my friend… It was bittersweet.

I'd stayed up late to sneak and watch Psycho on TV or on video; I don't remember which. I'd never been allowed to watch it at home.

Needless to say, it terrified me, not because it was one of the greatest horror movies of all time (alright, maybe it was a little bit), but because I began to suspect that Mycroft and I may not have the same father… And Mummy didn't want me to know.

I'd made a long-distance call to my brother, and he said he'd known of our mother's affair, but was sworn into secrecy to protect me.

That's most of why there was a rift between me and him.

I'd meant to cry myself to sleep, I was so upset, and I'd started to do so. Good person he is, Godric had heard me and came to comfort me. He'd held me as we talked. I didn't know I wanted that to happen until it did. He'd started to go back to his own room after I managed to calm down, but I begged him to stay.

Part of me didn't expect him to, but he did. It made me love him all the more, that night.


	6. Falling by Emmy Rossum

When I ran into Godric today, I wasn't really expecting to still be quite so in love with him as I once was, since it's been so long. And I'd hoped that John would've toned down those feelings.

But no.

As soon as I'd laid eyes on him, I'd felt the same things I once had… All of those stereotypes I wish weren't real… The butterflies in my stomach, the racing heart, the shortness of breath… And thank God that when Godric talked to me, he never thought to look down…

I still love him. I still want him. It's odd, though. I used to be highly jealous of his school sweetheart for so long, but now they're married, I find her more tolerable at the same time as I strongly desire him.

And this is why I've tried so hard to separate my head and my heart in my cases.


	7. Fear by Stop Making Friends

_Day Three_

I'm most afraid of… I'm afraid of being rejected by the ones I care about.

And that's what set me off on my first time using drugs…

I'd had enough of feeling unwanted by Godric during school. After he'd left school and we'd lost contact, the pain of him leaving, and of him in a relationship, oblivious to my feelings for him (though I probably should've mentioned them at least), is what drove me to addiction.

At first, it was just a distraction…


End file.
